Wondering from store to store, department to department, I ended the shopping trip annoyed and confused.
This year's Summer selection of dresses were exactly what I needed to revamp my work wardrobe. The Miu Miu boho bag matched my Miu Miu wallet perfectly. A pair of mandarin loafers would have carried my feet in comfort and style all Summer... But I couldn't bring myself to buy anything. Or to really even want them. I felt the fabric of the dresses and held the bags up in the mirror, but it all felt empty. Now bear in mind, I am definitely no preacher of anti-consumerism (my apartment is a testament to that). I simply didn't want to spend my money on any of the things that a girl my age, would want to buy.
Needless to say, that lead to a pretty depressing train of mental realisations which can be summed up by the fact that I continue to do a job which I'm not passionate about, all for the money, yet none of the objects which I am meant to desire was sparking any desire within me.
So after my pathetic excuse of shopping for myself, I decided to venture to the toys department to look for a present for my little cousins... and I entered NIRVANA.
Lego boardgames! Squinkies! Zhu zhu pets! My heart was racing when I discovered the Sylvanian Family toy sets in Myer. I.e. Little animal families which were very beloved by my sister and I when we were kids.
I was an eight year girl again... an eight year old girl with a credit card! My time in Myer's toy department was bliss and I had a great time oggling at all the colourful packaging, mentally deciding which "styles" and "models" I would buy. (Gawd I wish I was talking about cars as oppose to Squinkies.)
But once again, I couldn't bring myself to buy anything. (What's wrong with me!) This time, grown up Jac kicked in. "What are you going to do with a lego robot? Where are you going to put a Sylvanian Families Doll house? Batteries are not included with this toy, do you really want to fork out an extra $10 for batteries?"
Yep, Reality struck and I left empty handed.
Being a kid sucks because you don't have the money to buy the toys you want... but being an adult also sucks because you're so practical with all your decision making!
As I walked away from the Myer Toy department, I thought about onions. We go through all the layers, all the processes and routines which make up a life time. From physically going to the store to mentally deliberating about what we're going to buy. But in the end the realization hits that you need none of those things, that "stuff" doesn't matter, and you are left with nothing. Just like an onion.
But what's left me annoyed is that if I know this fact and I've witnessed it first hand, why then, am I poo poo'ing my time away, doing things I don't love? I keep telling myself that I need to do my stinking corporate job for the money, but that's codswallop. I'd still earn money doing something I love. Just less... Well, a lot less but that's beside the point. If I know that more money is not going to buy me fulfillment, then what the heck am I doing?
Hmph.
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